“Then comes the most used form—the third person narrative. I like to think of this narrator as a voice perched on the shoulder of one or more characters in the book. Joe saw Morley coming. He nearly turned to walk away but then their eyes met. He gritted his teeth, forced a smile, and said, “Hey, More, over here.”” (Walter Mosley, Elements of Fiction)
Writing Exercise: Crafting Immersive Third-Person Narratives
Key Techniques Illustrated by the Quotation
1. Close Third-Person POV: Walter Mosley’s example shows how a narrator can be “perched on the shoulder” of a character, blending objective description with internal thought and emotion.
2. Balancing Action and Emotion: The quotation demonstrates how to convey action and dialogue in tandem with emotional subtext, revealing character motivations without over-explaining.
3. Tension Through Subtlety: Mosley’s example captures tension in an everyday interaction by highlighting small details—hesitation, forced politeness, and unspoken conflict.
Writing Prompt:
Write a 500-word scene using close third-person narration. Choose one of the following scenarios:
1. A character reluctantly attending a high school reunion.
2. A strained conversation between a tenant and their landlord.
3. A surprise encounter between two old friends with unresolved history.
Focus on maintaining a tight POV, revealing the character’s internal state through their reactions, and layering emotional tension into ordinary actions and dialogue. The narrator should feel as though they are “perched on the shoulder” of the character, capturing their emotions as they unfold moment to moment.
Evaluation Criteria:
1. Depth of POV:
• Strong response: The writing stays close to the character’s perspective, revealing their immediate thoughts, emotions, and sensory perceptions. Subtle details (e.g., clenched fists, darting eyes) convey their state of mind.
• Weak response: The writing shifts into an omniscient or distant third-person, making it harder to feel connected to the character’s experience.
2. Integration of Action and Emotion:
• Strong response: Actions and dialogue are enriched by emotional undertones. For example, a hesitant pause before a handshake might reveal unease or forced laughter might mask discomfort.
• Weak response: The narrative explains the character’s feelings explicitly (“He was nervous”), instead of showing them through actions or dialogue.
3. Subtle Tension:
• Strong response: The scene uses tension to suggest underlying conflict without resolving it too neatly. For example, an overly cheerful greeting might contrast with internal dread.
• Weak response: The tension is either absent or overdramatized, leaving little room for nuance.
Follow-Up Questions for Workshopping/Revision:
1. Does the narrator stay close to the character’s perspective throughout, or are there moments of distance that disrupt immersion?
2. How effectively do the character’s actions and dialogue reveal their inner conflict or emotional state?
3. Are there places where the tension could be heightened through stronger sensory or emotional detail?
4. Does the reader understand the stakes of the interaction without requiring explicit explanation?
Recommended Reading:
• Short Story: “Cathedral” by Raymond Carver
This story demonstrates the power of close third-person narration in revealing a character’s internal transformation through subtle interactions.
• Novel Excerpt: The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro (opening chapters)
Ishiguro masterfully uses close third-person to explore emotional restraint, internal conflict, and tension beneath polite exchanges.
This exercise challenges writers to master the art of showing character through tightly controlled perspective, subtlety, and emotional resonance—perfect for crafting nuanced, engaging prose.
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